My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
