I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
