In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
