I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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