No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
