I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
