Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
