carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
