I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
