Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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