My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
