I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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