How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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