I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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