I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
