so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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