Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
