I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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