I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
