as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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