I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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