saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
