I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
