There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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