Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
