I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize