dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
