I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
