That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Randomize
