you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
