Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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