so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
