Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
