You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
