I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
