there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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