sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
