so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize