Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
