i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
