32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
