I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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