Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
