you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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