The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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