just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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