Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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