Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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