I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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