the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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