she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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