Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There are leaves in my underwear?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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