oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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