dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
