He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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