I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
