EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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