There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize