Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
