I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
