Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
