It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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