i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
3pm strippers are depressing
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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