There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
