We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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